I was trying to get out of seeing this doctor and converting over to a psychiatrist minus the medication. I keep thinking when it comes to psychology its nothing more than a person that stares at you and grabs actions that you may do while talking as a sign of disturbance and if you cry that's a part of you that is deep painful. You will get questioned until you can figure it out yourself. I think I can come up with few solutions but, I do not think I articulate it where its accepted, I need help more so in sorting out my thoughts. I need more of a conclusion on the doctors input on me since you are studying me and been educated in the subject. That's where I think a psychiatrist probably would be different. I think they will actually use their mind to figure it out and give me insight on what I may not picked up or tie it to what I came up with either way I wont be going around in circles with thoughts and sitting on a couch being questioned. So this guy said it's either me or go down the psychiatrist route and I will give you a list of people. I got that list on my 2nd appt and I guess he wants to work with me. Maybe I am an interesting character? Maybe I'm hard to figure out? I just wish he choose a different day; gas is precious nowadays. I need to figure out how to sly that in and change that day he know I'm on a rampage to find a second job hint-hint think about my needs.
ONCE A FRIEND (happened after for a different incident than below; which made it enough that I could take of her to a point I did not care if she was in my life)
I took a tap class on my final I put together a tap/step dance routine to Soulja Boy She Got a Dunk. Going along with the concept I wore a basketball jersey and put pillows in my jeans for a big behind. This person was in this dance class, never really spoken to them nor hung out with them.
Another year or may even be years later ago I caught up to her. I was trying out to be in the dance concert because you can bypass paying for credits for exercise classes you need for GE and get credit a different way. You just have to check out those flyers that say either salsa, ballet, hip hop and audition for the person that came up with the dance. Then your group has to audition the full piece for the Art Director to be put in the show for sales. It was a big room but the room had a divider wall I was on the left side trying to get the piece because I can dance my heart out on stage it's getting the piece step by step on that day is the tricky part. Something happen one of the girls sprained her leg, broke it, and I said forget it the rehearsal stopped nobody getting picked I got bold and went to the right side of the room and caught up to that person. The person was the choreographer and it was step, they already knew I've been introduced to step before. So that's how that started ended up doing a bunch of favors for this person; the preachers child. I don't want to say child/kid because they were an adult but, I don't know what else to say at the moment.
I remember holding up my life doing events after events for this person and when their birthday came around I did not go to the party it was at a club or something. It was inferred that I wasn't a friend but, the thing is the clubs aren't my thing matter fact I never been to one and that was stated. This person knew I just got laid off from my job so that when money become really tight so you just don't want to put effort going out you rather sit your behind down and put in applications online or something. It was no's but, some how it wasn't firm enough and it went into a okay. That always happen for certain individuals (in the process of figuring that out psychologically wise). Taking sympathy. Hers was like I feel down for this reason and besides you did not celebrate my birthday. So I was at home one that phone call. Quick coach on wearing, "Oh yeah I have black pants I will wear a blue top."
She picked me up I did not have a car (did not get out much to know around the streets so I really put trust into her) and I was relieved when the person took a phone call from their mother," So and So in my car where going to the movies." Did not turn out like that she stopped to pick up another person. I was wondering why I got the look she gave me because we had to wait for the other girl I think she was an old High School friend of hers. She went to her trunk for her jewelry and briefly viewed my outfit. That tell you I don't know how to dress for no club I was looking through my hard drive at a picture of that night. I had on black business slacks, a button up black and blue flowy top, Chanel earrings, and flower flats. It look like I was coming from work to the clubs. Mentally I kept in she sure have different cups with different colored liquid in them. Went up to her friend like, "What's in her cup." "It's rum and coke, if it get to a problem I will drive." Mentally thinking what happens when you drive yourself safe to your home, what happen when I have to take the ride back to my area because the preachers daughter live in my area the friend live kind of close to the club area.
I started thinking about this other incident where these underage girls were arguing with each other late at night and my mother and I was watching it through the window because they were just that loud and the one girl that was super drunk because she was heated, kicking the car door, said a sentence then got sick by a tree, but the point was they forced her to drive. She could not control that car. "You guys don't care about me!" The girl was smart considering she was drunk and she got to stepping, and walked the rest of the way home or wherever she was heading to hopefully she knew where she was going. I guess she was thinking as long as I am not with them. They tried getting her but, she kept on stepping.
"You don't think I can handle this, well get to stepping find your own way home, there is the taxi." "Huh, what, can I get my coat back at least in your ride!" "No, you ruined my night." "It is fine I just was curious what was in your cup I'm not tripping lets go to that club next door." Then on the side I'm going to the security guard like where exactly am I at is there a bus system around, what time does it start back up, is there any 24 hour place around here, and this is the situation. This girl done popped up with new things about her each week. Last week she got a girlfriend and became part of the rainbow community to this week I did not know she drunk. She hid that part so now she mad because her friend said I'm worried about her. "What you going to be my momma now, you such a goodie-two-shoes." I just wanted to know my next move she can do all that she do but, I don't want to be left out of the dark. You got me in here holding your purse probably a shawl coat being a follower taking your photos capturing your moment now you want to leave me at the club really that's how you going to do me? "Girl, maybe you should pay her twenty for the gas money it took to get here." To calm her down?! It is a privilege just having me come out to support her she better take that as my gift! <-- Mental note. That is how my night went with that; my first club experience.
So when that time came where I cut my ties with her, had me thinking about FRIENDSHIP in general. Either I'm the worst friend ever to you or you just wasn't there to begin with! Usually the other person is coming forth and trying to bond with me but, I am starting to think you are really not trying to be my friend because they seem to all turn their backs one way or another and most of the time it's them forcing the disconnect. I'm so use to people doing that quirk where the end results is not staying in my life its hard for me to connect with people up front now. Maybe I take it as abandonment I know your not going to last you think your doing samaritan service for me but, you end up being just like the others. Too me if I let you in where you can get to know me and understand me you should have better insight on me than a person that judging me on the outside without nothing to base their insight on (following the mass). So if you turn out thinking like an outsider when you had a closer in depth experience of me why would you second guess me? You should be with open arms. Your mind should be like whatever you people think or what I once thought my dog on self I know where it comes from I know why she is the way she is.
A friend wont take their there to better you, unfortunately I did not get that. So my perception on friends is misconstrued.
I WILL BE SOMETHING SPECTACULAR
That is like this dude back in January that threw out I'm lonely as a rebuttal but, claim he wanted to be my friend then abandon me in the process.Why did I even meet you? Why at first introductory phase comeback at me with your thinking negatively if you knew you just stuck around momentarily for your ego. I don't do well with that, "I'm not that person I am different." That is why I say maybe this friend desire needs to go.{I always wanted to be that girl with a lot of guy friends because a lot of girls would probably annoy me talking about makeup all the time) Being selfish seem to help more for yourself. I would be further in life if I did not throw all my years out for helping others. It is good to concentrate on your life. Taking the initiative because you see the big picture of the end results. They claim each experience was there for a reason and you need to learn from it. (right..if you say so)I guess in life because you go through turmoil you appreciate your struggle more and then when that one day comes I will say, "You know what I been through a lot but, I survived and now I am here." sipping on my Kermit tea*
REVIVAL OF THE NEW ME
(going through this phase right now I may come off harsh but, I'm working on not being as nice)
What happen to Pandora I thought it use to have lyrics button? You can listen to your jams and skip so many times but, read-a-long the lyrics to the song was pretty cool I like that feature. Old things sure like to go away.
~Total Do You Think About Us
WOMAN TO WOMAN: I MUST MOVE ON I HAVE A CALLING
It is something because she tried flipping it saying I was fake, get out of my life I could care less about you! Inserted she took me in as a little sister but, had the same mind set as outsiders. (that's my problem with it that what makes me incompatible with you therefore rekindling wont work)I was this and that (Did you analyze your side?)but, years later wanted to comeback into my life (a lot of people do that find something to fuss about disappear then pop back up) finding out where I work (from ironic word of mouth)trying to get on my good side. (nothing on the faulty of the past situation but, I understand because I was working) I wouldn't use this quote 100 percent for her its would fit another person more but, I did let her go and thought nothing much after (breath of air to be able to do what I wanted to do) but, I got to being fine with how things were. I will fight to be fought upon was not feeling that concept. If you want to go, go... I guess this is where I need to be doing..
~The Clark Sisters Blessed & Highly Favored
bahaha This James Fortune & Fiya Praise Break song the guy on this Pandora screen look like the guy I drawn on my last blog. I lost my thought. Have to go anyways I want to eat before I go in for work.
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