First Pap Smear

I was wondering why I needed one then my primary physician told me I was long over due for one. I figured might as well, who knows how long I will have this type of health insurance may as well get the full benefits of knowing what is going on with me. The gynecologist expected for me to schedule a appointment two weeks later from the pap smear appointment she probably think she scarred me for eternity how I exited out of there. I know she remember me she probably already went to her collegiate coworkers like, "I never came across a person like this one person almost like she scared of penetration you just have to meet her in two weeks." "I turn to her at the end and asked her was she ever sexually abused? "So what did she say?"The two weeks was just for the decision of birth control she was urging the 3 month suggestion with my case I think she need to get into the yearly ones if you ask me because my face during the appointment was like this...all hyperventilating the second round. "Want me to stop?""Just do what you have to do faster I am not wasting my gas getting up here saying to myself; I told her go ahead it is fine but, my face looked like this...

I mean after the appointment I was curious to know other people reactions for their pap smear. So of course I went onto You Tube, I just got  {Long and behold how ironic I just got mail from my gynecologist *opening up* it was my results.}I was just saying I got into You Tube later than most but, it is pretty nice to go and look at it is like my alternate to the television. All I saw was girls who said their experience was not bad and it did not hurt. Mine hurt, my doctor wasn't a bad doctor I kind of respect that fact that she treated me like a human unlike the other doctors that been thrown in my presence of life at the moment rushing me not really explaining anything she actually showed what she was going to do and felt my nervousness of my very first time. It just the paperwork she reviewed I meant everything I put on those pieces of papers. So you would of thought she would have understood those few points enough to make another judgment call but, I guess I just ended up being the odd one for my age.

Almost didn't even want her to go inside closing my legs inward but, I can feel the speculum inside it like your in splits and cannot stretch further  she open it up it felt like it could not enlarge anymore and that tension... It was already an adjustment sticking the instrument inside of my slide, twisting it around it was like hello hurry and do what you have to do fast! Muscles never been stretched before let alone never had a tampon so what do you expect? She had to do it again too long and too much was enough, I got that thing out of me. She just took awhile doing her job stretching the walls then inserting the brush it didn't feel like she was scraping it felt like a very firm press in the back like she was trying to pierce  through the cervix. Feeling of you pressing my walls as far as you can and the back is not something I would want to do every year. I felt all of that. No breaks of relief, if she pressed any harder she would had to do a third time around. The feeling of both had me in tears. After the appointment it was an after affect I felt throughout the day until night time when it faded away for me. Some reason I don't feel pure because of it.

 It's almost like why wait. People say sex is nothing meaning overrated but, then say wait as long as possible. If I was not comfortable with my gynecologist just the thought of a person in the view of your privates feeling around like get up off me you too touchy than what would my future partner experience. Being touchy is something hard to get into for me it's almost too close for me to handle.  I do know this I need someone highly patient, gentle, and caring for my insides. Not my intercourse of insides I am mainly talking about the core of me, my soul, those feelings, and everything above. Sex is for a person you will feel comfortable to be around that will be who I'll be intimate with.

The next question I toss around is whether that person should know if their dealing with virginity or keep it to thy self. That is a hard call. In one sake I feel being in the known enforces a negative result but, then again that something I'm not as comfortable talking about with the opposite sex/ in general; sexual it is. Maybe that is not my world as of right now, I do not drive for it the world of sexuality I feel fine without.

 Maybe she hinted something maybe I do have a fear of something. At that appointment it was the pain of being inside that bothered me. Maybe I just have a hard time being authentically close to someone it could be something way deeper than sexuality. To be high strung and not easily comfortable equals less of willingness to be open; could be more of a interpersonal relationship glitch I may have. It could just be related to how I may view people and whether I feel your at worth and authentically care for my needs. Because in reality that what anybody would want something they felt like they did not get an abundance of in their life.

A true person that actions and dialogue add up to one another rather than contradict. Would that be nice or what? Sex will surely be different if it was someone that truly cared for you at least I would think. Not no type of person that gives you their back enough for your disappointments to fester longer to change the person you once was and living life easy without you only there from time to time just to keep up a connection to keep you and be on your good side. Not just sex to get some interaction but, a soul mate feeling for both. A person that would not take your intimacy for granted. Intimacy is not given to everybody. You would not want to just feel like you were just open legs and less of a person because all a person did was take from you.
                                                  ~ Pandora: Quiet Storm: Lyfe Jennings; Must Be Nice last song