Under Doubt (Diary)

the layers of me disappeared

 

 

           I do not know what I want to do with my life it's like I had a plan now I hit turmoil and I am at a easy point of just giving up  and becoming complacent. The idea of just finding a trade (maybe this school thing is not for me anymore) so I could speed up the process and become my age and feel worthy. I have very few days to figure out a major and apply to a university but, even myself doubt getting into one will happen; I already dropped one class and stopped going to another class the professor was going to help me out too. I just need more than help I need to re-due or take missing quizzes or test because Blackboard was the lead to the decision of me not showing up and its sad because its very little to no weeks left.(one thing I'm good at is running and disappearing) That's my new thing I guess instead of failing, I'm in the drop out no worries phase. I just do not know! I am so lost it's not even funny. Nothing to  show for my life rebuilding my spirits back up probably the hardest thing to recover.  See, I get more gratification by my work than school but, also I really need a desk this homework in my bed is not it. Felt like a lot going around I didn't know how to catch up but, atleast I wouldve been not at this bottom then noway will I have been talking like this like I am such a failure and I disappointed myself. That is just me thinking I am super woman, I have a lot of things riding on this school I have a whole time clock mechanism going and if one thing does not happen everything else will fall apart.

still under self construction

         Memories tape  rolling parent restates the years that's this year ago look at you  so tiny its almost same to planning the steps of my life you should of had this at this age and it just did not become that way. Some how it gets translated to feeling like scolds and hate  or your spoiled not grateful enough  should of took a different route with you you do not listen a get it together because the people looking up to you look so hurt just staring at the television screen seeing a little girl tap dancing. The small me doesn't compare to the bigger me I guess it makes me feel bad. One thing that touches me deep is so much life I missed out on if everything happen the way it should have happen. Sometime I don't even think it will get better and stay that way. Just have to make something out of nothing right say it like its easy. Maybe one day I wont be ashamed of my age or where I'm currently at I'm so behind cause I will be at a good place but, I will back pedal back and have to restart. This is my second time restarting over I don't ever want to be where I'm at now ever again because at one time I did not think much about those years but, eventually it will bother you or maybe I am not seeing the progression but, its there just gradual.



(attempt this history extra credit I'm behind in: progressive era, 40 book questions, immigration paper)

~Madea, Witness Protection movie~