First Contacts

 

While I have insurance...

          Trying to try new things since I've had a life of not really exploring anything.

{(started buying for myself now into Aeropostale, Icings and last year Victoria Secrets {experience the semi annual and outlet closing sale). I tried the nails thing back in August of this year too.Maybe I need to celebrate me more; little late at it I usual conform and accept I think I deserve more it could help my outlook of feeling stuck}

 I must be scared of new things I guess I am not as adventurous as I thought. Having on these trial lenses feel like I am in a fun house it's odd looking out of these contacts it pretty much gives me the same feeling as the other pair (Biocurve) I believe. It takes me awhile to get them on and get them off. Was running around like a little chicken when the tissue paper she gave me the fibers were on my finger applied to my eyeball along with the contact. Their trying to figure out what going to work for me because the first one I tried at night the light glare are too extreme to drive around but, maybe she right she claim its fine the glare is normal and its because the contact lenses don't have a reflective coating. So I am curious to know if people who have the corrective eye surgery do they view things in a 'fun house effect,' that I am drunk stumbling around can't grasp a clear picture it goes out and in or feel like liquid in the middle. Then again it has been years since I had vision like this.

           I also feel like the optometrist not really doing it's part to finding out my correct prescription. I came in for my follow up appointment with my 1st pair of contact (thrown away now) he put a circle glass plate in front of my eyes and said which is better without the glass plate or with I said, "I don't know because they look the same." He said," Good, just like the people in my class." Then put some small letters up and said tell me what it say I couldn't give him a confident answer but, when he enlarged them he claim that was the DMV size. I think he enlarged them more than DMV size but, I bet I probably could read those little letters if I had my glasses on instead of the contacts. That was pretty much the end of that then he just wanted to look into my eyes with the light and said I have working tear ducts. I think I should've got a different prescription if you ask me. Because I am sitting here looking at this Philips stereo box and I should be able to read these words with no problem; got the big words down pat. Those small words take too much concentration to figure it out Integrated CD player, 20 watts total power.. are the words moving? Shoot, I might just be a glasses fan for life.  I guess me trying out color lenses is going to be a stretch. Then I do not understand why non prescription and prescription cost the same.

            I guess if you been to better you realize who is not doing things accurately or not trying its a matter of getting you out of the office I would assume. He was doing things way to fast to really figure out my prescription and I do not think he had enough patience for me to really say okay I see the suttle difference between the two and this one is better. It was a few and pretty much I just think he got lazy and based it off my glasses I brought in. Now he did not know I wanted contacts at that point. So then he got the glasses prescription  both eyes had different numbers but, not too far off. Then he was aware of the reason I came in for my appointment, I wanted contacts and all he did was bring me back in the office and put the light in my eye so was that what I paid for a light in my eyes was my contact prescription because on the paper she claim it was the same vision in both eyes. because I was going back in forth with her about how is it that I have two different eye numbers for my glasses and the same eye prescription number for contacts. Probably said something so I can go away and roll with it but, I am still not convinced so I will do anymore purchasing with them. Look this is my first pair of contacts all I ask is you do it right, and something just does not feel right these are my eyes and I need to be able to see and feel comfortable in what I see! Second lady didn't care had me putting them in on the wrong side. I tell you nowadays it's all about money people do not have passion for their job it's all about a title they can rub in people face.

 

I really wanted to get some but, now I am second guessing (still need a correct prescription though on paper for my copy) because I have other more important duties I NEED to do before hand so I guess I have to push this thing on my list further down. Most of the time needs get taken care of and you never seem to get your WANTS but, that is just how the world is organized. Not enough.

 

Pandora: Mase- What You Want

 

Stuck and Too Old possibly ashamed

        














              At this point of my life I never felt as stuck as I do in todays setting. I had previous years to set myself up for this type of defeat or was it just a coincidence? You will get to that point of life where you think, "Man, I should've started earlier like when I was a kid or something because what do I have to show for my age?"I think I am just winging it at this point. I really don't have a clue what direction to go in that would ultimately make me feel happy but, I do know how things are going now I couldn't be far more in the ditch that I got myself into. They call this era rock bottom. What makes it so devastating is it's also a collaboration of a single-out feeling. The feeling that you are the darkest sheep its hard getting up out of that and finding enough  strength to just keep shining. Some days you just feel like a rut and want to shut down and not talk much then there are days your a open book encouraging yourself. One point I had a plan but, I can not continue it right now I have to refocus my direction to something I am not accustom to I have to change the person that I am to something more functional to the culture now. The bottom point of this is I am old, I feel old, and most people would not consider my age as old. I need to figure out something fast because whatever was done years before cannot happen no longer. It use to did not bother me but, when I started telling myself I am this old that when my eyes started really opening up. Life, surely does not turn like how you wanted it to turn out I mean eventually it get to the semi end part you fantasized about but, I just does not happen chronologically like you preferred the perfect world should have been.

         
           In Retrospect, have not been a success for myself because I gave so much of me to others when I should have just put the better for myself. That something I am trying to break within' me, I seem to care for others more than myself and too me as of now I feel that is a glitch within' my personality; it isn't something to be proud of when it comes into terms with me.

          That is what made me think maybe psychology could be my niche. The way I am so involved in helping other lives maybe that is something I could be good at because I am already the listener. I'
m usually the person you can go to and I will listen and a lot of people find comfort in me, they feel like they can tell me all. So far children and grown woman like the elderly or the ones with wise wisdom really geared towards my essence. Maybe I can heal others and some how it translate into the healing of me of whatever needs to be fixed inside of me. At the same time it is not about being in the other business but, helping the other think in a different light. I am good with empathizing almost too good (my glitch could possibly be positive for this type of career).

          {Rant}
         People need to be more accepting they have their mind fixated on one outcome and how they want things to be done and said sometimes it should be a collaborative effort amongst the two parties. Get out of yourself and think for the other person. I think people get into the heat of the moment and somehow their wires get crossed and their not focusing on the clear point of the problem. People have a hard time deciphering what is really making them angry and what is making the other person angry because you were solely thinking on your part only. There are stages and you just missed them. Plus during the same time of not agreeing with the person one person could be just stuck on the action itself and the other could be stuck on something much deeper a bunch of scenarios that took place that added to that final one that ticked them off but, they cannot figure out the real reason. Then sometime people could decipher the real reason but, you wont come into terms with it but, that entirely something else.  Another thing that get to me is people think not talking about it  will make it go away but, I think it just gets buried and eventually will arise out of the dirt and the problem will just end up being more aggressive or the problem will result somewhere in your life in a form that your not going to know about a manifestation from that past issue.

     
         Anyhoot, I also half stray on this psychology thing having my own office and just taking notes because to me I see it also being persuasive, controlling, domineering, or good with word structure a skill I am not intermediate on because I just don't do that. I try to just be myself and just hope that your fond of me for just being original. I see no need to play games or think about how can I take from you.We will see how my life ends up like I just have to stop doubting myself and love myself more to feel that I am invincible to any epitome I want to experiment and try out to figure out my purpose.

{Aaliyah; One in a Million}
"Your love is a one in a million, you give me a really good feeling." Love you
                                                                                                         
                                                                                                              Lovin' Me,
                                                                                              Salpjcyndi Belamarobi
                                                                                                  

Family Favor

You know sometimes it's items you really want and you try to make ends meet to obtain these items your really like. Or sometimes there are things you want but, you tell yourself I will just get something similar another time or I cannot find a way to get it and take the regret you will feel later in life.

I really wanted this particular item up top I have been monitoring it for months hoping these unique pair of shoes will be in my closet because I do not think I will find something like these later in life and besides I really grew fond of these shoes. These shoes are by a designer name Jeremy Scott I find his stuff pricey only because I am having a rough portion of my life happening at the moment. I believe the original price in the United States were $250 at one time and I missed the clearance sale out due to moving and a funeral so I could not monitor to catch the lowest I would think the shoe will sale out because it is such a good deal for the type of shoe it is. One minute the shoe can be regular price two days later a little cheaper then a day later it can get some more cheaper and say if you purchased them in a order you cannot get the sale price of that lower price because I already tried that with Miami License Plate Jeremy Scott; I like a couple of his pieces I just got interested in his shoes, very creative. What can I say I have the eye for the arts.

 So sold out in America and I found these Adidas shoes in another country as well as a cousin that live there. I do not think it realize how much passion I want these shoes (and how I know it had to be something you really wanted; envision that moment of experience for yourself) but, the thought of them misleading the situation has me feel another type of way especially about family. I wrote customer service about the issue and they tell me there is no order under their name and it will not send me a forwarded receipt email/tracking number 

so I don't know if I can hope for the best from them or just stay in realization that I will never get these shoes I desperately want. The biggest red flag was how was my Miami shoes I purchased online sent to my home a higher sale price and I got it cheaper than the total amount my cousin received?
How could family be as distant as nonfamily? I would not even know how to act when I will see it again.

 Even if I did not get that other portion of the money back, I really want these shoes I wish it was someway I could have these in my fitting size and my cousin find it in their heart to do me right. I already have gym shorts, top, and a jacket to match. I've been earning and getting things in pieces it's not like I have a shopping addiction or know what is the latest. I've been through so much and it would have been a reward for still having efforts, it would've meant a lot to call these mine. It is not like I have much and whatever I do like I really want it strong likings happen every now and then (by the way I started late shopping for myself mostly have hammy downs or still wear cloths I fit in many years ago) and I know sometime I cannot have but, some how it took a great fight to accommodate for these (the things I do have, I cherish them by meanings) but, now it does not even seem like I can feel that way. Seem, like I just got jibbed by my own blood cousin. They were suppose to order these shoes and receive them at their home then send it to my home, that was the plan. Will the plan follow through? I will see.

When I come to think of it not very many people who walked into my life or was in my life did me right.

(you just don't hardly know because you don't see reactions)

So of course I will take it personal, you are just taking from me.

First Pap Smear

I was wondering why I needed one then my primary physician told me I was long over due for one. I figured might as well, who knows how long I will have this type of health insurance may as well get the full benefits of knowing what is going on with me. The gynecologist expected for me to schedule a appointment two weeks later from the pap smear appointment she probably think she scarred me for eternity how I exited out of there. I know she remember me she probably already went to her collegiate coworkers like, "I never came across a person like this one person almost like she scared of penetration you just have to meet her in two weeks." "I turn to her at the end and asked her was she ever sexually abused? "So what did she say?"The two weeks was just for the decision of birth control she was urging the 3 month suggestion with my case I think she need to get into the yearly ones if you ask me because my face during the appointment was like this...all hyperventilating the second round. "Want me to stop?""Just do what you have to do faster I am not wasting my gas getting up here saying to myself; I told her go ahead it is fine but, my face looked like this...

I mean after the appointment I was curious to know other people reactions for their pap smear. So of course I went onto You Tube, I just got  {Long and behold how ironic I just got mail from my gynecologist *opening up* it was my results.}I was just saying I got into You Tube later than most but, it is pretty nice to go and look at it is like my alternate to the television. All I saw was girls who said their experience was not bad and it did not hurt. Mine hurt, my doctor wasn't a bad doctor I kind of respect that fact that she treated me like a human unlike the other doctors that been thrown in my presence of life at the moment rushing me not really explaining anything she actually showed what she was going to do and felt my nervousness of my very first time. It just the paperwork she reviewed I meant everything I put on those pieces of papers. So you would of thought she would have understood those few points enough to make another judgment call but, I guess I just ended up being the odd one for my age.

Almost didn't even want her to go inside closing my legs inward but, I can feel the speculum inside it like your in splits and cannot stretch further  she open it up it felt like it could not enlarge anymore and that tension... It was already an adjustment sticking the instrument inside of my slide, twisting it around it was like hello hurry and do what you have to do fast! Muscles never been stretched before let alone never had a tampon so what do you expect? She had to do it again too long and too much was enough, I got that thing out of me. She just took awhile doing her job stretching the walls then inserting the brush it didn't feel like she was scraping it felt like a very firm press in the back like she was trying to pierce  through the cervix. Feeling of you pressing my walls as far as you can and the back is not something I would want to do every year. I felt all of that. No breaks of relief, if she pressed any harder she would had to do a third time around. The feeling of both had me in tears. After the appointment it was an after affect I felt throughout the day until night time when it faded away for me. Some reason I don't feel pure because of it.

 It's almost like why wait. People say sex is nothing meaning overrated but, then say wait as long as possible. If I was not comfortable with my gynecologist just the thought of a person in the view of your privates feeling around like get up off me you too touchy than what would my future partner experience. Being touchy is something hard to get into for me it's almost too close for me to handle.  I do know this I need someone highly patient, gentle, and caring for my insides. Not my intercourse of insides I am mainly talking about the core of me, my soul, those feelings, and everything above. Sex is for a person you will feel comfortable to be around that will be who I'll be intimate with.

The next question I toss around is whether that person should know if their dealing with virginity or keep it to thy self. That is a hard call. In one sake I feel being in the known enforces a negative result but, then again that something I'm not as comfortable talking about with the opposite sex/ in general; sexual it is. Maybe that is not my world as of right now, I do not drive for it the world of sexuality I feel fine without.

 Maybe she hinted something maybe I do have a fear of something. At that appointment it was the pain of being inside that bothered me. Maybe I just have a hard time being authentically close to someone it could be something way deeper than sexuality. To be high strung and not easily comfortable equals less of willingness to be open; could be more of a interpersonal relationship glitch I may have. It could just be related to how I may view people and whether I feel your at worth and authentically care for my needs. Because in reality that what anybody would want something they felt like they did not get an abundance of in their life.

A true person that actions and dialogue add up to one another rather than contradict. Would that be nice or what? Sex will surely be different if it was someone that truly cared for you at least I would think. Not no type of person that gives you their back enough for your disappointments to fester longer to change the person you once was and living life easy without you only there from time to time just to keep up a connection to keep you and be on your good side. Not just sex to get some interaction but, a soul mate feeling for both. A person that would not take your intimacy for granted. Intimacy is not given to everybody. You would not want to just feel like you were just open legs and less of a person because all a person did was take from you.
                                                  ~ Pandora: Quiet Storm: Lyfe Jennings; Must Be Nice last song

Lonely

Lonely, at this point of my life. I can't seem to find at least one person that care about me as much as I do for them. I feel like I have no one to talk to and I think I need to socialize but, I don't want to tell too much because I seem to attract the people who does not understand me correctly. The ones I did not go after but, came after me thinking they can have me experience things but, it was all too fast for me and something I did not ask for at that. Then I am analytically looking at the end result and feeling as if from the very beginning I was being judged and no matter how much they hung out with me they kept on with their preconceive notions about me or either just wanted the worst for me in general

 because it looked like I had a better life than they had. If anything I figured out that little bit of fear of why its so hard to open up but, when you do open up some how that person throw it right back in your face what little they do know just to make you feel bad/ignorant and them superior.

-makeup, training day 2... tootles

left with writing I guess I may make music or show creativity a different way but, somehow I will figure out how to get my feelings released cause bottling them in gonna make me go insane or just angry.

I am starting to think the LOTTERY system is RIGGED

(some were tickets won from money off of the scratch off, and some were free tickets as the prize but, more than ever most ended up getting bought) (I got my first $20, $10, $5, $3 ticket this year; I think I have had my course of this game.) Maybe it is not luck when it comes to the lottery system. This winning big theory just will not happen for me and I get that. In retrospect, I tried something new to my norm, dibble and dabble since I am holding off going to my first casino for a grandmother and granddaughter outing. I did something because I wanted to and had the "bright idea" the urge to. So I sit here really looking at the big picture.

These are all of my lottery scratch offs and lotto tickets through out my whole life, I guess this is just one of the items I like to collect but, don't know why. Maybe I will make a art piece out of it one day or just throw them away. I Just really started up playing probably more than half of those are from this year but, I believe I do not want to add anymore to this collection of greed. I usually have the epitome of doing something spontaneous and this was one of them but, how ironic is it to win on a Fantasy 5 for a free ticket to end up getting another Fantasy 5 while analyzing my previously tickets to be drawn on the same day which were the Power Ball and Super Lotto; getting the same third number as a match. I am starting to think the lottery system is rigged. As if they know there will be a winner but, control where the winner is located so on the website it looks like people are winning everywhere almost like there is a chance for you to win too. It is definitely something with those numbers because the majority of people do quick picks. I think the most people who win big on lotto tickets are from liquor stores because the common go to a 7 Eleven; 7 Elevens are good for scratch offs. Scratch off winners probably are within a certain number in the batch roll I literally went through $2 in the fifties and sixties section, most were none winners.

Super Lotto Plus Fantasy 5 Power Ball
My Quick Pick #: 02 10 17 40 46 Mega 16 / 02 03 24 25 36 / 03 06 25 27 41 Power 30 /
The WINNING #: 3 15 23 25 38 Mega 7 / 4 26 24 27 35 / 14 18 25 33 49 Power 23 /
I knew this ticket was not going to win the numbers are chronological and has two sets of numbers too close in resemblance. This Fantasy 5 was my free winning ticket.

MAYBE LAST WEEK Notice the 3rd column, two tickets matched in numbers.
I guess it started around the time I graduated and made sure I bought me some scratch offs to keep me occupied while waiting in the organizational line and ceremony to start. Hoping I win on the day of educational joy. I remember getting those tickets so the lady already seen me and later in that day I was up there again doing a small cash out. Two other ladies where up there winning and going back and forth. I tried a new ticket they point out and won on both of them and got $50. I started winning prizes above a free ticket or $2; I never won twenties going into my hand. I ended up playing my first $20 scratch off and got $100 that night. It was almost like out of us three who will get the winning ticket, I didn't win because she took it, that sort of thing but, all and all they were nice people.

YESTERDAY
So moving along I ended up spending like one or two hours in 7 Eleven last night just scratching off tickets winning and losing tickets. I won my money back and I just kept having the tendency of winning and spending it but, keeping some and right at the last minute I will win. That is not a good type of irritation to have to feel like you have money and just blow it on the temptation of thinking the next is the winner. I mean sometimes I just thought and walked out on a cash out but, that night my mind was on a just maybe. I started back up in school I have not really been in so long and scratched off some on my break the only ones I could not was Super Lotto, Fantasy 5, and Power Ball. That night the Fantasy 5 was drawn I won on it but, just a free ticket. Come to think of it I believe it was the first and the third number.

(The white line or holographic blue: I think it has something to do with a possible winning ticket) The Black was a winner the CA Life was not but, both had a white line
(this night) Looking at Yahoo Answers somebody proclaimed 10-15 are highly possible winners in the stack roll)
(that day) Before going to get my tickets I researched by the fractions which to pick out.

TODAY
All three of those tickets up top were drawn today. Two tickets with the same column matched number 24 and 25.
The odds of matching up numbers winning on one matching up on the next ticket which were on different days, had me thinking something with those computers. It sure is a way to control how much money is being given to winners because if a lot of people hit there wont be no money circulating/accumulating for the LIFE winners or quarterly pool and stuff like that. Those computers are probably randomly got a set number that pops up on those balls but, generate other numbers through the less amount of winners as possible have this number but occasionally bunch those couple of dollar winners in a group to win to give them hope to play again. Who knows the gimmicks? It has to be a psychology type of thing seeing scratch off tickets with close numbers to the number it should've been for your liking of a big win. It's something sneaky to that lottery system It has to be some hidden inside secret

Have a fashion business in mind

Although I have a couple other jumps to jump through before I begin this epitome project that could actually go far.