So my grandma and I were riding around to grab some pizza and a gallon of ice cream she just needed to have a smoke. She noticed I had a no smoking sign in my car and made an excuse to just put it out of the window. I did not say anything but, I really did not want her to smoke in my car. Because smoke still gets in the textiles of a vehicle regardless if you stick it out of the window momentarily your breathing it inside those ashes reaching the top of the roof. It just another example how I do not speak up for myself. Where does that come from? But, yeah that bother me driving back home. Maybe I am not a type of person that people respect.
Abstract painting in 2011 Everything Artistic
{painter} Silfredo La O Vigo; Born in Santiago de Cuba, Cuda, 1975
Saturday, August 13, 2022
Friday, March 3, 2017
starting Airport job hint JOB
Because I am quiet does not mean I have an attitude more than likely I am just serious and sometimes I do not want to talk I rather watch and analyze things. I notice I have checked out/gave up partially of life as if I am burned out I pretty much have a whatever way I go about things. A whatever door open it will open. I do not put much effort into things anymore not sure if that is a good thing or bad thing. I am not sure how my life going to turn out anymore sometimes I just go ahead and describe myself under the word lost maybe I am just overwhelmed. It is probably because I had to reroute and now I am thinking its not possible due to time/financial reasons. I know I will get to that celebration phase but, the question is when? The confliction I have leave me where I can't plan perfectly and strategic. I will do this life on my own time.
There is this school that wants me to attend this Fall I saw hope for it but, now I do not know how I am going to work it out. It seem nice because it is in a different area so I get to be away and see new things and kind of get a new change of surroundings that could possibly inspire me! In retrospect I do not want to be a failure either.
I could throw my life away and join the military, I could move...she's about to disappear I am really good at that...decisions-decisions... until I get that door knocking in my head like hello what are you doing?! " I am just going with the flow." Is there something wrong with that?
Sheesh I never have I been so gone like this I practically do not do much in my day and feel accomplished. I used to live my life loaded of things in my planner I lightened that up months ago it is kind of refreshing but, wrong timing I really need to just buckle down but, she need a break/revival.
THE GOOD OF WORK
It is a blessing to have what I have now. I'm learning how to be more vocal and face anxiety of abundance of people I learn so many skills working where I work at.
THE BAD OF WORK
I go to work people keep talking about the new changes and honestly I could care less I just come to work and wing it they talk like their about to stay at the job for retirement its better out there you just need a foot in the door to see. I am use to better it may not have been great but, once you had a certain you get spoiled its hard to go back it works on your psychologically. I cannot see myself at that company solely for many years she just came to do her duties to the best of her abilities and clock out. People go to work to see how many they can know and impress I just go to be on time and keep it moving. {even though I found one interesting thing} One day those people are not going to see me anymore I am trying to remain on the low a woman need to broaden her horizons that is not the place for growth it takes too much out of me. I will not have anything left out of me when I get to my real career. She will continue to be where I am at now if I continue to stay. I don't like the disrespect there too its only so much I will take before I give what you give back I am trying to prevent that from happening. It is grown men more than half my age up there and I already consider myself old at that, they will challenge the twenty year old women like its okay. Where they get their home training from? You can not bite your tongue it is a problem or you can take the out the other ear method and still get ridicule for being whatever. Work is a trip you all can have all that. I will stay under obligations because I am an adult and have bills but, I see destination of light beyond that 55 lot portable door and Krono system.
6/9/2015 (In the drafted section)
3/3/2017 Joe Worst Case Scenario
Interesting, I barely even started and knew what it was. Was not a good company. I sure get that bad end of the stick.It was beyond me. Can't ever catch a break I guess.I truly was not the issue just one of those unfair uncertainties. "Just another beautiful day for the BS." The worst because of the levels it went up to.
There is this school that wants me to attend this Fall I saw hope for it but, now I do not know how I am going to work it out. It seem nice because it is in a different area so I get to be away and see new things and kind of get a new change of surroundings that could possibly inspire me! In retrospect I do not want to be a failure either.
I could throw my life away and join the military, I could move...she's about to disappear I am really good at that...decisions-decisions... until I get that door knocking in my head like hello what are you doing?! " I am just going with the flow." Is there something wrong with that?
Sheesh I never have I been so gone like this I practically do not do much in my day and feel accomplished. I used to live my life loaded of things in my planner I lightened that up months ago it is kind of refreshing but, wrong timing I really need to just buckle down but, she need a break/revival.
THE GOOD OF WORK
It is a blessing to have what I have now. I'm learning how to be more vocal and face anxiety of abundance of people I learn so many skills working where I work at.
THE BAD OF WORK
I go to work people keep talking about the new changes and honestly I could care less I just come to work and wing it they talk like their about to stay at the job for retirement its better out there you just need a foot in the door to see. I am use to better it may not have been great but, once you had a certain you get spoiled its hard to go back it works on your psychologically. I cannot see myself at that company solely for many years she just came to do her duties to the best of her abilities and clock out. People go to work to see how many they can know and impress I just go to be on time and keep it moving. {even though I found one interesting thing} One day those people are not going to see me anymore I am trying to remain on the low a woman need to broaden her horizons that is not the place for growth it takes too much out of me. I will not have anything left out of me when I get to my real career. She will continue to be where I am at now if I continue to stay. I don't like the disrespect there too its only so much I will take before I give what you give back I am trying to prevent that from happening. It is grown men more than half my age up there and I already consider myself old at that, they will challenge the twenty year old women like its okay. Where they get their home training from? You can not bite your tongue it is a problem or you can take the out the other ear method and still get ridicule for being whatever. Work is a trip you all can have all that. I will stay under obligations because I am an adult and have bills but, I see destination of light beyond that 55 lot portable door and Krono system.
6/9/2015 (In the drafted section)
3/3/2017 Joe Worst Case Scenario
Interesting, I barely even started and knew what it was. Was not a good company. I sure get that bad end of the stick.It was beyond me. Can't ever catch a break I guess.I truly was not the issue just one of those unfair uncertainties. "Just another beautiful day for the BS." The worst because of the levels it went up to.
Blech! Sex
I think my past ruined it to be honest I had such bad experience its not something I look forward too. Never had it inside of me does not know what sex feels like and does not know the big hype about it. Still in that whatever sex like sex is not everything who cares don't think about it constantly like a feen or addict would cus I never had it. Your not looking at people for their bodies you look at them for their insides. To rub it in your face..." I gave you experience." It messes up relationships think. Was doing fine without it. Ppl act like you need someone cause your single. people drag you down then you have to rebuild back up.easy target. feel like care about me, be patient and gentle. "might aswell went all the way ..what yall did was kind of odd ."Wasn't the one they thought you can get me .Almost reflects me away from that race to steer for fear. I want that old school love. If you was special wouldn't you make me comfortable enough to do it all the way but I would've been nice to you. Men, don't have time for that. Men want easy go lucky, no settle, but talk about finding a good woman sound so contradicting you are asking for what your not ready for.
love your tears mint condition (feel of song)eric benet (romantic quiet smooth relaxed naturally)
7/20/2015 (left drafted)
Jhene Aiko- The Worst (3/3/2017)
Too many men scolds. (In general not based on the subject) Just men made me who I am today meaning my view. They just talk a good game nobody really worth giving that chance too.
love your tears mint condition (feel of song)eric benet (romantic quiet smooth relaxed naturally)
7/20/2015 (left drafted)
Jhene Aiko- The Worst (3/3/2017)
Too many men scolds. (In general not based on the subject) Just men made me who I am today meaning my view. They just talk a good game nobody really worth giving that chance too.
Sunday, March 8, 2015
(Thought) not feeling MARRIAGE
I don't want to get married. They say every female has their wedding already planned out before being engaged. I missed that planning phase.
Thursday, February 26, 2015
First Club Experience (Diary) {that's why I dont like to experience new things with people}
I was trying to get out of seeing this doctor and converting over to a psychiatrist minus the medication. I keep thinking when it comes to psychology its nothing more than a person that stares at you and grabs actions that you may do while talking as a sign of disturbance and if you cry that's a part of you that is deep painful. You will get questioned until you can figure it out yourself. I think I can come up with few solutions but, I do not think I articulate it where its accepted, I need help more so in sorting out my thoughts. I need more of a conclusion on the doctors input on me since you are studying me and been educated in the subject. That's where I think a psychiatrist probably would be different. I think they will actually use their mind to figure it out and give me insight on what I may not picked up or tie it to what I came up with either way I wont be going around in circles with thoughts and sitting on a couch being questioned. So this guy said it's either me or go down the psychiatrist route and I will give you a list of people. I got that list on my 2nd appt and I guess he wants to work with me. Maybe I am an interesting character? Maybe I'm hard to figure out? I just wish he choose a different day; gas is precious nowadays. I need to figure out how to sly that in and change that day he know I'm on a rampage to find a second job hint-hint think about my needs.
ONCE A FRIEND (happened after for a different incident than below; which made it enough that I could take of her to a point I did not care if she was in my life)
I took a tap class on my final I put together a tap/step dance routine to Soulja Boy She Got a Dunk. Going along with the concept I wore a basketball jersey and put pillows in my jeans for a big behind. This person was in this dance class, never really spoken to them nor hung out with them.
Another year or may even be years later ago I caught up to her. I was trying out to be in the dance concert because you can bypass paying for credits for exercise classes you need for GE and get credit a different way. You just have to check out those flyers that say either salsa, ballet, hip hop and audition for the person that came up with the dance. Then your group has to audition the full piece for the Art Director to be put in the show for sales. It was a big room but the room had a divider wall I was on the left side trying to get the piece because I can dance my heart out on stage it's getting the piece step by step on that day is the tricky part. Something happen one of the girls sprained her leg, broke it, and I said forget it the rehearsal stopped nobody getting picked I got bold and went to the right side of the room and caught up to that person. The person was the choreographer and it was step, they already knew I've been introduced to step before. So that's how that started ended up doing a bunch of favors for this person; the preachers child. I don't want to say child/kid because they were an adult but, I don't know what else to say at the moment.
I remember holding up my life doing events after events for this person and when their birthday came around I did not go to the party it was at a club or something. It was inferred that I wasn't a friend but, the thing is the clubs aren't my thing matter fact I never been to one and that was stated. This person knew I just got laid off from my job so that when money become really tight so you just don't want to put effort going out you rather sit your behind down and put in applications online or something. It was no's but, some how it wasn't firm enough and it went into a okay. That always happen for certain individuals (in the process of figuring that out psychologically wise). Taking sympathy. Hers was like I feel down for this reason and besides you did not celebrate my birthday. So I was at home one that phone call. Quick coach on wearing, "Oh yeah I have black pants I will wear a blue top."
She picked me up I did not have a car (did not get out much to know around the streets so I really put trust into her) and I was relieved when the person took a phone call from their mother," So and So in my car where going to the movies." Did not turn out like that she stopped to pick up another person. I was wondering why I got the look she gave me because we had to wait for the other girl I think she was an old High School friend of hers. She went to her trunk for her jewelry and briefly viewed my outfit. That tell you I don't know how to dress for no club I was looking through my hard drive at a picture of that night. I had on black business slacks, a button up black and blue flowy top, Chanel earrings, and flower flats. It look like I was coming from work to the clubs. Mentally I kept in she sure have different cups with different colored liquid in them. Went up to her friend like, "What's in her cup." "It's rum and coke, if it get to a problem I will drive." Mentally thinking what happens when you drive yourself safe to your home, what happen when I have to take the ride back to my area because the preachers daughter live in my area the friend live kind of close to the club area.
I started thinking about this other incident where these underage girls were arguing with each other late at night and my mother and I was watching it through the window because they were just that loud and the one girl that was super drunk because she was heated, kicking the car door, said a sentence then got sick by a tree, but the point was they forced her to drive. She could not control that car. "You guys don't care about me!" The girl was smart considering she was drunk and she got to stepping, and walked the rest of the way home or wherever she was heading to hopefully she knew where she was going. I guess she was thinking as long as I am not with them. They tried getting her but, she kept on stepping.
"You don't think I can handle this, well get to stepping find your own way home, there is the taxi." "Huh, what, can I get my coat back at least in your ride!" "No, you ruined my night." "It is fine I just was curious what was in your cup I'm not tripping lets go to that club next door." Then on the side I'm going to the security guard like where exactly am I at is there a bus system around, what time does it start back up, is there any 24 hour place around here, and this is the situation. This girl done popped up with new things about her each week. Last week she got a girlfriend and became part of the rainbow community to this week I did not know she drunk. She hid that part so now she mad because her friend said I'm worried about her. "What you going to be my momma now, you such a goodie-two-shoes." I just wanted to know my next move she can do all that she do but, I don't want to be left out of the dark. You got me in here holding your purse probably a shawl coat being a follower taking your photos capturing your moment now you want to leave me at the club really that's how you going to do me? "Girl, maybe you should pay her twenty for the gas money it took to get here." To calm her down?! It is a privilege just having me come out to support her she better take that as my gift! <-- Mental note. That is how my night went with that; my first club experience.
So when that time came where I cut my ties with her, had me thinking about FRIENDSHIP in general. Either I'm the worst friend ever to you or you just wasn't there to begin with! Usually the other person is coming forth and trying to bond with me but, I am starting to think you are really not trying to be my friend because they seem to all turn their backs one way or another and most of the time it's them forcing the disconnect. I'm so use to people doing that quirk where the end results is not staying in my life its hard for me to connect with people up front now. Maybe I take it as abandonment I know your not going to last you think your doing samaritan service for me but, you end up being just like the others. Too me if I let you in where you can get to know me and understand me you should have better insight on me than a person that judging me on the outside without nothing to base their insight on (following the mass). So if you turn out thinking like an outsider when you had a closer in depth experience of me why would you second guess me? You should be with open arms. Your mind should be like whatever you people think or what I once thought my dog on self I know where it comes from I know why she is the way she is.
A friend wont take their there to better you, unfortunately I did not get that. So my perception on friends is misconstrued.
I WILL BE SOMETHING SPECTACULAR
That is like this dude back in January that threw out I'm lonely as a rebuttal but, claim he wanted to be my friend then abandon me in the process.Why did I even meet you? Why at first introductory phase comeback at me with your thinking negatively if you knew you just stuck around momentarily for your ego. I don't do well with that, "I'm not that person I am different." That is why I say maybe this friend desire needs to go.{I always wanted to be that girl with a lot of guy friends because a lot of girls would probably annoy me talking about makeup all the time) Being selfish seem to help more for yourself. I would be further in life if I did not throw all my years out for helping others. It is good to concentrate on your life. Taking the initiative because you see the big picture of the end results. They claim each experience was there for a reason and you need to learn from it. (right..if you say so)I guess in life because you go through turmoil you appreciate your struggle more and then when that one day comes I will say, "You know what I been through a lot but, I survived and now I am here." sipping on my Kermit tea*
REVIVAL OF THE NEW ME
(going through this phase right now I may come off harsh but, I'm working on not being as nice)
What happen to Pandora I thought it use to have lyrics button? You can listen to your jams and skip so many times but, read-a-long the lyrics to the song was pretty cool I like that feature. Old things sure like to go away.
~Total Do You Think About Us
WOMAN TO WOMAN: I MUST MOVE ON I HAVE A CALLING
It is something because she tried flipping it saying I was fake, get out of my life I could care less about you! Inserted she took me in as a little sister but, had the same mind set as outsiders. (that's my problem with it that what makes me incompatible with you therefore rekindling wont work)I was this and that (Did you analyze your side?)but, years later wanted to comeback into my life (a lot of people do that find something to fuss about disappear then pop back up) finding out where I work (from ironic word of mouth)trying to get on my good side. (nothing on the faulty of the past situation but, I understand because I was working) I wouldn't use this quote 100 percent for her its would fit another person more but, I did let her go and thought nothing much after (breath of air to be able to do what I wanted to do) but, I got to being fine with how things were. I will fight to be fought upon was not feeling that concept. If you want to go, go... I guess this is where I need to be doing..
~The Clark Sisters Blessed & Highly Favored
bahaha This James Fortune & Fiya Praise Break song the guy on this Pandora screen look like the guy I drawn on my last blog. I lost my thought. Have to go anyways I want to eat before I go in for work.
Monday, February 2, 2015
No Luck in the Job Department I See (Diary)
Oh my gosh back to the drawing boards I am getting pretty tired of this inconsistency So I was working 2 part time jobs because one spread 40 hours within' one month. What one lack the other picked up on. . The main job was a real part time in which people assumed I was seasonal, no I was hired last of a real job only I had to work hard like a seasonal. The other part time job was a seasonal. So I was mixing the two and then I had 3 jobs at once and the third one was my first fulltime job that had a high turn over rate apparently, "The odds aren't favoring you." I saw the signs way before but, today was the day my staffing agency was saying my "on call" got turned into a lay off. The day I went on call was the day after I gave all my main job shifts away that I could have worked and all the hardwork it took to put in a time request and avoid the subject of I'm trying to switch over; I just was on the fence about it because I knew two top reason it could not work out.
So I got 3 jobs down to 2 and then 2 went down to 1 in a matter of very few days. I am kind of bum because I don't know I am feeling like it is more signs saying go back to the drawing boards and proceed with another plan fast because jobs just aren't reliable in terms of trying to stay and get to the point where you feel okay I will take out for medical or 401k so I don't have to worry about so many transferring of things making life so complicated.
Before I went "on call" I had my first nightmare the day before and like this main job I went to I pretty much worked like 2 or 1 shift and gave all my other shifts away even though I really wanted to get my hair done that Saturday but, I went ahead and kept the shift so my manager wouldn't be like but, you said you can work weekends. That one day I worked was like I don't remember all these buttons I was relearning my percentage was struggling but, mainly because it was a crowd aint nobody want to put they phone numbers in, sign up for credit cards, buy insurances they trying to do what they need to do and roll out on another errand or two. Atleast I think if I can remember the day. Whatever they had me sign a paper tonight saying some mess like hours are being cut for percentages and eventually if you get 3 or 4 you will get terminated.
Sound like that dumb stuff that fulltime was doing. They was trying to write me up for a autofail because it was a call center job but, I disagreed signed my name above the line then heard the recorded tape and look and behold I had a good case got that written up paper torn up. I remember when fulltime was asking for people to work overtime Saturday and Sunday I passed up cause I had my seasonal and shoot I was exhausted, a fulltime is no joke. I know one thing it got me waking up before my alarm clock though I felt so hopeless and lost I don't know how to explain I felt without purpose because I was looking forward to that weekly. My greatest compliments are from my workmanship.The quickest job I ever been at I tell you. I wish I could be like that I was like who cares I got my other jobs working me I don't even need that overtime but, if my main job on some fence about letting people go (they want you to be miserable at work) cause obviously I am getting a vibe of maybe they can't afford them. I don't see how they already jibbing got us cleaning windows outside and painting your shelves that contractor stuff why you making that about me did I miss something in fine print of the job description! I can't even be like who cares you cutting my hours for the main I got me another job up my sleeve I haven't started the process it was on my list I just haven't gotten to it been a lot going on renovated my room I went classy on yall nomore blow up mattress I got me Ikea! I am making progress getting to the big leagues. I came along way considering how these last two years were. I need this main job just to hold on my vehicle cost. This first of the month I will be digging for rent so something new, fast , and better please come along I am begin now I don't know what sand still left in my Aladdin clock.(Seem like its a oliver twist thing happening at one point I was going to make the call to buy time until May)
All these job mess screws up my medical, food, retirement, savings, a lot of things on my list but, I left it broad like that with those words or enlightenment. Ugh these jobs are not working out for me. I am thinking salary bump this hourly. I wonder what my new change up going to be now. I worked my school around that fulltime now it gone and now this main job about to act up how much you want to bet, my taxes going to be all complicated the IRS going to be like sheesh how many jobs do you need? What do you expect my bills aren't on call. You would think every year it would be less stressful. People just don't know how nice it is to be comfortable with stable income and have freedom of really spending your fruits of labor with no barrier of job risk elevating in your heart every odd day. I was thinking about that driving to work today. People who get content with what they have not really having a save me plan thinking life will always be dandy or got some split help. Eventually want to turn their nose thinking their better than you. Life will surprise you next hault be a downfall and it could come so fast and things are back to back one after another that ripple dominoes affect now your in a hole trying to reach and rock climb out of it. Your so use to having help., being on your own Then that is where life begins and you start to really understand what people really do go through and feel living. Your just living to make it. In the mean time it just working to keep the months going to the next and nothing more. (the next morning arrived) Some reason I do not want to live like that.
I was going to take a hiatus in school and just work this fulltime job; that was the plan but, still look for better location and higher pay. In the car I was thinking about I would have been working and still have this void inside of me like school I take it is a big uncompleted inside journey for me. Even with meeting guys its like are you in school are you finished. Money would have made me happy for just being secured the fact I did not have to run around hoping someone would hire me can get things off my list not being disposable but what life to show for by constant making ends meet and not fulfilling aspiration you think you would be good at or just want to say you know what I did that. I remember I wanted to be a dentist but, how my life road going right now it just one of those things I guess I will just have to get back to and settle my heart. I just hope I don't have a bunch of voids and I become damage. I see Tyler Perry celebrating his happiest moments in life now traveling and now he has a son.
(one of my books still in transition but, one I can go pick up *calling to make sure they are open) nobodies picking up but, by the hours I am going even though I prefer going tomorrow since I have my class on that day
(I still have not got paid my final day)
(She claim its on my end the internet I think they have a broken link I cannot get my last paystubs for that seasonal job)
(need to find out is there any fulltime work I can hop on the band wagon fast too )
(create an Excel schedule of goals) (throw away fulltime job papers) (register my pending university since I missed the deadline of my supplement for the other school 9internet was saying some access limited mess). ( I really something good to eat but, I see immediate bottom broke in the near future) (If I can update my resume and tweak it that would be nice so I can atleast apply to those good jobs and get some interviews rolling and also make a call to staffing like can you put me through somewhere a woman just need a opportunity)
Tootles for now
So I got 3 jobs down to 2 and then 2 went down to 1 in a matter of very few days. I am kind of bum because I don't know I am feeling like it is more signs saying go back to the drawing boards and proceed with another plan fast because jobs just aren't reliable in terms of trying to stay and get to the point where you feel okay I will take out for medical or 401k so I don't have to worry about so many transferring of things making life so complicated.
Before I went "on call" I had my first nightmare the day before and like this main job I went to I pretty much worked like 2 or 1 shift and gave all my other shifts away even though I really wanted to get my hair done that Saturday but, I went ahead and kept the shift so my manager wouldn't be like but, you said you can work weekends. That one day I worked was like I don't remember all these buttons I was relearning my percentage was struggling but, mainly because it was a crowd aint nobody want to put they phone numbers in, sign up for credit cards, buy insurances they trying to do what they need to do and roll out on another errand or two. Atleast I think if I can remember the day. Whatever they had me sign a paper tonight saying some mess like hours are being cut for percentages and eventually if you get 3 or 4 you will get terminated.
Sound like that dumb stuff that fulltime was doing. They was trying to write me up for a autofail because it was a call center job but, I disagreed signed my name above the line then heard the recorded tape and look and behold I had a good case got that written up paper torn up. I remember when fulltime was asking for people to work overtime Saturday and Sunday I passed up cause I had my seasonal and shoot I was exhausted, a fulltime is no joke. I know one thing it got me waking up before my alarm clock though I felt so hopeless and lost I don't know how to explain I felt without purpose because I was looking forward to that weekly. My greatest compliments are from my workmanship.The quickest job I ever been at I tell you. I wish I could be like that I was like who cares I got my other jobs working me I don't even need that overtime but, if my main job on some fence about letting people go (they want you to be miserable at work) cause obviously I am getting a vibe of maybe they can't afford them. I don't see how they already jibbing got us cleaning windows outside and painting your shelves that contractor stuff why you making that about me did I miss something in fine print of the job description! I can't even be like who cares you cutting my hours for the main I got me another job up my sleeve I haven't started the process it was on my list I just haven't gotten to it been a lot going on renovated my room I went classy on yall nomore blow up mattress I got me Ikea! I am making progress getting to the big leagues. I came along way considering how these last two years were. I need this main job just to hold on my vehicle cost. This first of the month I will be digging for rent so something new, fast , and better please come along I am begin now I don't know what sand still left in my Aladdin clock.(Seem like its a oliver twist thing happening at one point I was going to make the call to buy time until May)
All these job mess screws up my medical, food, retirement, savings, a lot of things on my list but, I left it broad like that with those words or enlightenment. Ugh these jobs are not working out for me. I am thinking salary bump this hourly. I wonder what my new change up going to be now. I worked my school around that fulltime now it gone and now this main job about to act up how much you want to bet, my taxes going to be all complicated the IRS going to be like sheesh how many jobs do you need? What do you expect my bills aren't on call. You would think every year it would be less stressful. People just don't know how nice it is to be comfortable with stable income and have freedom of really spending your fruits of labor with no barrier of job risk elevating in your heart every odd day. I was thinking about that driving to work today. People who get content with what they have not really having a save me plan thinking life will always be dandy or got some split help. Eventually want to turn their nose thinking their better than you. Life will surprise you next hault be a downfall and it could come so fast and things are back to back one after another that ripple dominoes affect now your in a hole trying to reach and rock climb out of it. Your so use to having help., being on your own Then that is where life begins and you start to really understand what people really do go through and feel living. Your just living to make it. In the mean time it just working to keep the months going to the next and nothing more. (the next morning arrived) Some reason I do not want to live like that.
I was going to take a hiatus in school and just work this fulltime job; that was the plan but, still look for better location and higher pay. In the car I was thinking about I would have been working and still have this void inside of me like school I take it is a big uncompleted inside journey for me. Even with meeting guys its like are you in school are you finished. Money would have made me happy for just being secured the fact I did not have to run around hoping someone would hire me can get things off my list not being disposable but what life to show for by constant making ends meet and not fulfilling aspiration you think you would be good at or just want to say you know what I did that. I remember I wanted to be a dentist but, how my life road going right now it just one of those things I guess I will just have to get back to and settle my heart. I just hope I don't have a bunch of voids and I become damage. I see Tyler Perry celebrating his happiest moments in life now traveling and now he has a son.
(one of my books still in transition but, one I can go pick up *calling to make sure they are open) nobodies picking up but, by the hours I am going even though I prefer going tomorrow since I have my class on that day
(I still have not got paid my final day)
(She claim its on my end the internet I think they have a broken link I cannot get my last paystubs for that seasonal job)
(need to find out is there any fulltime work I can hop on the band wagon fast too )
(create an Excel schedule of goals) (throw away fulltime job papers) (register my pending university since I missed the deadline of my supplement for the other school 9internet was saying some access limited mess). ( I really something good to eat but, I see immediate bottom broke in the near future) (If I can update my resume and tweak it that would be nice so I can atleast apply to those good jobs and get some interviews rolling and also make a call to staffing like can you put me through somewhere a woman just need a opportunity)
Tootles for now
Monday, December 1, 2014
An Ora of Bad Spirits (Diary)
Didn't think two days ago would top yesterday date. That night I came home from work trying to prepare for that Black Friday because I work at retails and knew I was going to have back to back all day type of energy but, at the same time I have a inner cold so I recently probably in that day did my big shop for food/ beauty products I ran out of (mouthwash, face wash, toothpaste, alcohol; later I found out after that big shop Vons was having a 50% liquidation I could of got my stuff from there). I took Theraflu for my throat but, I could not hang to stay up and do school work. I fell asleep (Thera had me in the morning with dried snot and coughing up coal it brought out a cold) until the next day usually I wake p like 6,7,8 am I woke up like one or 12 I had to head out and skip some corners getting ready for job one but, at least my nails were done for job number 2 according to last night prepping. I did like a gothic look with my makeup and wore my contacts that day (The only day; I was suppose to wear them for the week) (Got lucky today optometrist called said I do not need to come in for my follow up appointment tomorrow the 2nd. Some how somebody picked up my original job 2 shift and I got lucky to find a time that came after job 1. I
Job 1 on the register my period came on Oh great that was my luck and it was nonstop customers. Now I cannot vividly remember a lot of probably important pin pointers. I know I came home I originally was going to drive from 1 to 2 but, I went home to eat and ended up redressing and left out for my first day for 2. I was so out of it I was looking for things to do and not be bothered honestly. The station was so cluttered I do not know how those people dealt with that. I'm skipping along I went to work then went to the Vons liquidation and my key got bent by the buggy so I was stuck in a city for 5 hours some how made it home. Okay end of that I'm sure other stuff was happening those days.
This the scenario I remember from yesterday from job 1 it starting to feel like coworker/with a manager code trying to get me fired if you ask me. She took her whole work day out of me. I can't help if I'm getting those eccentric customers. A lot of those mishaps were not my fault and I can tell you honestly if they were, it just the business system. It was nonstop lines this probably was my second customer I literally just begun working and I already knew she was high strung because I only scanned 2 items and 1 thing twice so I could see if we still were offering the two for one more dollar special and I told her that before I rescanned it all she wanted to know was what did the colors mean on the computer screen. I will give coworker with a manager code a name it will be Swandeka. Swandeka thought the line was being held up now this is my perspective that something was my fault take in mind Im more visual to her than the others just because of positioning but the whole night the other cashiers could chit chat with their customer take there time. Now even though I went through a lot of Swandeka having her moments I did not take it personal I notice them but, I really wasn't showing it in my customer face I just dealt as if work was whatever I will bag and get you out the door I just kept having funny customer were I needed the manager for overrides or my system blue screen. The customer said she had a autistic child or what not wanted plastic shower curtain rods so she can stick towels in it and the Sponge Bob ones she got she said they look like glass too me they look like ceramic but, point was breakable. She did not want to walk anymore act another to go and get her some luckily she ask one time what kind you want and went with it left and brought back a selection. That was done with she got her answer for the color difference on the screen. This where things got to tricky and the customer never was directing her anger to me too many people were swaddling around she got super mad too the point she wanted to start whole transaction and to do that somebody had to press the Saint Jude Donations on the keypad but, she did not want nobody touching nothing and Swandeka was trying to tell her she cant abort the transaction unless that button is pressed. She went off on Swan saying you always got a temper and you guys know it. So many managers were around I am not even playing it was like is everything alright you got this. The girl that got the plastic rods was trying to bag and still be around and apologize to the lady. So from my perspective Swandeka got mad at me probably thinking you got a customer to hate me and its all your fault. See I don't just blow p I really take a step back to think on contrary I do hold things in but, if I am mad I have a reason to be. That customer set off Swandeka whole mood towards me it was like subliminal attacks from that set forth.
I needed a replacement plan pamplet she clearly stated out loud I ruined her day or something and it felt like she was not trying to get me a pamphlet but, I found one at a different register but, I think a lot of those customer saw how she singled me out.
Two people were waiting in line for long time because lady was looking at something I took like 3 or 2 customers so my line was moving and I ask can I take them she screamed out I got this and the lady was like thanks for trying.
Membership lady spent like 80 used a spend 50 get 10 back coupon was trying to type it in because my scanner did not work oh speaking of that scanner it kept being incidents with that scan gun she kept forgetting that part. Swandeka wondering why it took long for me to scan a baby mattress the pc was torn off she came over trying to do it herself because before that I typed in the Christmas tree oh don't forget the lady with the Christmas stuff it was suppose to be all 50% off each item needed a manager override they might aswell did that transaction themselve that ticked her off because the little lights did not scan (micro barcode). To the lady that wanted to sign up and the keypad had a blue screen then turned to black she rebooted it saying nomore freezing system and then the very last of it the doubling coupon lady 2 detergents simply juices underwear coupons that did not double yikes I'm not going to explain all this too much to type as is but all I am trying to tell you is Swandeka ended that day like you need to get this or they will fire you almost like she scared but, lets talk about her running back saying I got to tell somebody you scanned another customer coupon for another customer to a verbally loud that an automatic fire. This customer did not want all that paper all they wanted was their receipt now I told the truth yes it was on the counter just ugh too much to explain... The coupon lady with her friend said look like she got an attitude and little on you because she saw her trying to show me how to put in a coupon but, I already knew how to because I put one in before she came over to show her it did not double then she was talking to her friend next to her like Swandeka can't get in my face I don't play that I go back at her don't let Swandeka get to you. Anyway Swandeka kicked me off the register after those two and said bag out which me take all your money out your drawer to customer service so I can bag people the rest of my shift. Like what did I do? All those were manger issues and the only reason I was getting all those eccentric people was because my line actually moved and I was not persuading no want donations, credit cards, I did get at them about replacement thought because it blocked my screen, I did not sign people up I pushed a lot of no buttons but everything I did to prevent the finger to be blame on me ha Swandeka just still had to put it on me.
Now from it all I knew Swandeka was just concerned with the backing up of the line all day to night but, I also understand she took that very first customer out on me and I hope she know yes you did kind of kept picking at me and did not need to all the gracious thankings of the other cashiers except me I just did not like some of the out in the open type of handling some of it could of been left privately and some of it could have been thought more wisely because some of the things that came out her mouth she did not need to say like the you need to get this when clearly it was the system busy from being over run with transaction I not once ran to customer service asking for help like I was stuck I was never stuck on anything. Its only so much a cashier can do if you a manger you got the code. You getting mad at the wrong person That customer wanted that and it could not scan or had the wrong price or scanned differently or just did not have enough money and had a decline card .
That's what I meant to mention that day I got my period I was super chilled but, I had a customer that did not want to show her receipt and I saw a barcode and open merchandise she claim a guy at the front said it was okay but, that guy not going to follow you in the store wait in the line with you then tell me you bought that at Vons. If you got a receipt show it. Why I need to show a receipt? I need a manager I am not going back and forth with this lady. Her mother or grandmother sliding two different decline cards asking what's wrong I am pointing to the decline on the screen so you don't get embarrassed. The lady that had to explain to her and apologize to her she basically was saying she was high strung cause that day she just found out her daughter or baby or somebody had leukemia and she was trying to get her crayons to make her happy or something she was trying to say. I know if I would have explain to her that day I would of set off after a point if she could not understand that's why I flagged a manager for her because the transaction was smooth until that part. Just another turm oil I guess or bad spirit within that day. Just like I came home after that Swandeka incident I did not bag after that I gave my money bag out, signed out, bump into the coupon ladies because she forced them off my register so they had to finish up elsewere after Swandeka yelled at me publically on something she probably stated but, wanted to finish me off anyway I came home to a good internet signal but would not get out but, the Cox man said your whole area is down but, I needed to file out for a University by 12'o clock that night. It has been a boom-boom-bam type days so far I wonder will it end and why me? What are you trying to tell me up there? I mean before I left off from work your giving me a confrontational chit chat with my momma.
I remember that cashier in front of me was like he was super cute I did not even realize she was saying one of my customers I just was focus on the screen like push the print button but, I think it was the one that said something about have a good day your crowd or what not something he said but none of my customers were really evil to me I know that much. I was rushing with them in a sense but, it was not unbearable like I'm rude or something but, I was super relaxed considering what I had to put up with it only pause me until the end when those two ladies mention it but, I could not say much about. The other girl was trying to flag me down but, she came in so late in the game CG was not feeling the uppity and highly energetic playful smile I give out usually. It was a job and besides I could not wait to get off because I did not complete my research on my major. Another thing they better get my break together when I am on it don't call me on the big microphone like get stationed up I am still on my break! CG could care less about that line call the sales people o the floor as backup instead. They be calling you back at 10 minutes it suppose to be 15. I think they learned my name faster than those others. I do not know none of their names and I've been there for a month.
I meant to put in that Vontage girl (but I over slept that day anyways found out last day was extended), how I had a job 2 shift but, was not going to show up anyways but got home and got lucky someone took it last minute so it does not take away from my credits.
Job 1 on the register my period came on Oh great that was my luck and it was nonstop customers. Now I cannot vividly remember a lot of probably important pin pointers. I know I came home I originally was going to drive from 1 to 2 but, I went home to eat and ended up redressing and left out for my first day for 2. I was so out of it I was looking for things to do and not be bothered honestly. The station was so cluttered I do not know how those people dealt with that. I'm skipping along I went to work then went to the Vons liquidation and my key got bent by the buggy so I was stuck in a city for 5 hours some how made it home. Okay end of that I'm sure other stuff was happening those days.
This the scenario I remember from yesterday from job 1 it starting to feel like coworker/with a manager code trying to get me fired if you ask me. She took her whole work day out of me. I can't help if I'm getting those eccentric customers. A lot of those mishaps were not my fault and I can tell you honestly if they were, it just the business system. It was nonstop lines this probably was my second customer I literally just begun working and I already knew she was high strung because I only scanned 2 items and 1 thing twice so I could see if we still were offering the two for one more dollar special and I told her that before I rescanned it all she wanted to know was what did the colors mean on the computer screen. I will give coworker with a manager code a name it will be Swandeka. Swandeka thought the line was being held up now this is my perspective that something was my fault take in mind Im more visual to her than the others just because of positioning but the whole night the other cashiers could chit chat with their customer take there time. Now even though I went through a lot of Swandeka having her moments I did not take it personal I notice them but, I really wasn't showing it in my customer face I just dealt as if work was whatever I will bag and get you out the door I just kept having funny customer were I needed the manager for overrides or my system blue screen. The customer said she had a autistic child or what not wanted plastic shower curtain rods so she can stick towels in it and the Sponge Bob ones she got she said they look like glass too me they look like ceramic but, point was breakable. She did not want to walk anymore act another to go and get her some luckily she ask one time what kind you want and went with it left and brought back a selection. That was done with she got her answer for the color difference on the screen. This where things got to tricky and the customer never was directing her anger to me too many people were swaddling around she got super mad too the point she wanted to start whole transaction and to do that somebody had to press the Saint Jude Donations on the keypad but, she did not want nobody touching nothing and Swandeka was trying to tell her she cant abort the transaction unless that button is pressed. She went off on Swan saying you always got a temper and you guys know it. So many managers were around I am not even playing it was like is everything alright you got this. The girl that got the plastic rods was trying to bag and still be around and apologize to the lady. So from my perspective Swandeka got mad at me probably thinking you got a customer to hate me and its all your fault. See I don't just blow p I really take a step back to think on contrary I do hold things in but, if I am mad I have a reason to be. That customer set off Swandeka whole mood towards me it was like subliminal attacks from that set forth.
I needed a replacement plan pamplet she clearly stated out loud I ruined her day or something and it felt like she was not trying to get me a pamphlet but, I found one at a different register but, I think a lot of those customer saw how she singled me out.
Two people were waiting in line for long time because lady was looking at something I took like 3 or 2 customers so my line was moving and I ask can I take them she screamed out I got this and the lady was like thanks for trying.
Membership lady spent like 80 used a spend 50 get 10 back coupon was trying to type it in because my scanner did not work oh speaking of that scanner it kept being incidents with that scan gun she kept forgetting that part. Swandeka wondering why it took long for me to scan a baby mattress the pc was torn off she came over trying to do it herself because before that I typed in the Christmas tree oh don't forget the lady with the Christmas stuff it was suppose to be all 50% off each item needed a manager override they might aswell did that transaction themselve that ticked her off because the little lights did not scan (micro barcode). To the lady that wanted to sign up and the keypad had a blue screen then turned to black she rebooted it saying nomore freezing system and then the very last of it the doubling coupon lady 2 detergents simply juices underwear coupons that did not double yikes I'm not going to explain all this too much to type as is but all I am trying to tell you is Swandeka ended that day like you need to get this or they will fire you almost like she scared but, lets talk about her running back saying I got to tell somebody you scanned another customer coupon for another customer to a verbally loud that an automatic fire. This customer did not want all that paper all they wanted was their receipt now I told the truth yes it was on the counter just ugh too much to explain... The coupon lady with her friend said look like she got an attitude and little on you because she saw her trying to show me how to put in a coupon but, I already knew how to because I put one in before she came over to show her it did not double then she was talking to her friend next to her like Swandeka can't get in my face I don't play that I go back at her don't let Swandeka get to you. Anyway Swandeka kicked me off the register after those two and said bag out which me take all your money out your drawer to customer service so I can bag people the rest of my shift. Like what did I do? All those were manger issues and the only reason I was getting all those eccentric people was because my line actually moved and I was not persuading no want donations, credit cards, I did get at them about replacement thought because it blocked my screen, I did not sign people up I pushed a lot of no buttons but everything I did to prevent the finger to be blame on me ha Swandeka just still had to put it on me.
Now from it all I knew Swandeka was just concerned with the backing up of the line all day to night but, I also understand she took that very first customer out on me and I hope she know yes you did kind of kept picking at me and did not need to all the gracious thankings of the other cashiers except me I just did not like some of the out in the open type of handling some of it could of been left privately and some of it could have been thought more wisely because some of the things that came out her mouth she did not need to say like the you need to get this when clearly it was the system busy from being over run with transaction I not once ran to customer service asking for help like I was stuck I was never stuck on anything. Its only so much a cashier can do if you a manger you got the code. You getting mad at the wrong person That customer wanted that and it could not scan or had the wrong price or scanned differently or just did not have enough money and had a decline card .
That's what I meant to mention that day I got my period I was super chilled but, I had a customer that did not want to show her receipt and I saw a barcode and open merchandise she claim a guy at the front said it was okay but, that guy not going to follow you in the store wait in the line with you then tell me you bought that at Vons. If you got a receipt show it. Why I need to show a receipt? I need a manager I am not going back and forth with this lady. Her mother or grandmother sliding two different decline cards asking what's wrong I am pointing to the decline on the screen so you don't get embarrassed. The lady that had to explain to her and apologize to her she basically was saying she was high strung cause that day she just found out her daughter or baby or somebody had leukemia and she was trying to get her crayons to make her happy or something she was trying to say. I know if I would have explain to her that day I would of set off after a point if she could not understand that's why I flagged a manager for her because the transaction was smooth until that part. Just another turm oil I guess or bad spirit within that day. Just like I came home after that Swandeka incident I did not bag after that I gave my money bag out, signed out, bump into the coupon ladies because she forced them off my register so they had to finish up elsewere after Swandeka yelled at me publically on something she probably stated but, wanted to finish me off anyway I came home to a good internet signal but would not get out but, the Cox man said your whole area is down but, I needed to file out for a University by 12'o clock that night. It has been a boom-boom-bam type days so far I wonder will it end and why me? What are you trying to tell me up there? I mean before I left off from work your giving me a confrontational chit chat with my momma.
I remember that cashier in front of me was like he was super cute I did not even realize she was saying one of my customers I just was focus on the screen like push the print button but, I think it was the one that said something about have a good day your crowd or what not something he said but none of my customers were really evil to me I know that much. I was rushing with them in a sense but, it was not unbearable like I'm rude or something but, I was super relaxed considering what I had to put up with it only pause me until the end when those two ladies mention it but, I could not say much about. The other girl was trying to flag me down but, she came in so late in the game CG was not feeling the uppity and highly energetic playful smile I give out usually. It was a job and besides I could not wait to get off because I did not complete my research on my major. Another thing they better get my break together when I am on it don't call me on the big microphone like get stationed up I am still on my break! CG could care less about that line call the sales people o the floor as backup instead. They be calling you back at 10 minutes it suppose to be 15. I think they learned my name faster than those others. I do not know none of their names and I've been there for a month.
I meant to put in that Vontage girl (but I over slept that day anyways found out last day was extended), how I had a job 2 shift but, was not going to show up anyways but got home and got lucky someone took it last minute so it does not take away from my credits.
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Under Doubt (Diary)
the layers of me disappeared
still under self construction
Memories tape rolling parent restates the years that's this year ago look at you so tiny its almost same to planning the steps of my life you should of had this at this age and it just did not become that way. Some how it gets translated to feeling like scolds and hate or your spoiled not grateful enough should of took a different route with you you do not listen a get it together because the people looking up to you look so hurt just staring at the television screen seeing a little girl tap dancing. The small me doesn't compare to the bigger me I guess it makes me feel bad. One thing that touches me deep is so much life I missed out on if everything happen the way it should have happen. Sometime I don't even think it will get better and stay that way. Just have to make something out of nothing right say it like its easy. Maybe one day I wont be ashamed of my age or where I'm currently at I'm so behind cause I will be at a good place but, I will back pedal back and have to restart. This is my second time restarting over I don't ever want to be where I'm at now ever again because at one time I did not think much about those years but, eventually it will bother you or maybe I am not seeing the progression but, its there just gradual.
(attempt this history extra credit I'm behind in: progressive era, 40 book questions, immigration paper)
~Madea, Witness Protection movie~
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